28/09/2010 by yourgreatlife.

If you are on Twitter, or you follow some of the infertility blogs, you may be familiar with some of the abbreviations used by women who are trying to conceive and have a baby. One that frequently tears at my heart is BFN:( . It means “big fat nothing,” as in not pregnant this month.  You examine and re-examine the dates on the calendar, plan your activities around the possibility that you might be pregnant by then, and spend money on pregnancy tests that you know are going to come out negative.  You may also have experienced the elation of finding out you were pregnant and whispering it to the chosen few you trusted to support you through those intial, very secretive and exciting days, only to have to return to them weeks later and explain that the pregnancy was over.

How do you begin again?

After a miscarriage or failed IVF cycle, there is the inevitable question hanging in the air: Are we going to try again? It may be a given that you still want a baby, however the criteria for whether you are going to try to conceive and carry a pregnancy will have been affected by the recent lack of success with IVF, or the terrible end of your pregnancy. Whether you are on your own, or with a partner, the criteria you use to make your decisions may have changed and need to be looked at again. You must consider your current health, age, fitness, need for medical intervention, financial position, other commitments and your doctor’s advice. Assuming that you have decided that you do want to try to conceive again, naturally or with assisted reproduction techniques, the next set of decisions will be about when you begin trying.

Your timing

“When can I try again?” is one of the first questions that will come up in a woman’s mind once she has determined to pursue another pregnancy. Opinion, even among medical professionals, varies. Some doctors will say that, all being well, 3 months is a good amount of time to wait after a miscarriage. Others will suggest that an otherwise healthy patient wait until after she has had one menstrual period before trying to conceive. I believe that readiness is a combination of having had a check-up by the doctor or nurse a few weeks after your miscarriage or IVF procedure, feeling well in yourself physically and determining that you and/or your partner are both emotionally prepared to take the risk again. Why do I use that word “risk?” While many women go on to achieve a healthy pregnancy after a miscarriage, and IVF can certainly be successful on a subsequent attempt, there is a risk that they will not be successful. Can both of you gather all your resources together and steel yourself against that possibility or do you feel painfully vulnerable?

Are you up to it?

Miscarriage and fertility treatment are both hard on the body and can cause you to feel physically depleted.  This is exacerbated by the emotional toll that they take. It isn’t unusual for a woman to feel that she wants to, or has to, jump right back in and try again and simultaneously think that going through this process again is the last thing in the world she wants to do at that moment. Have you ever felt torn in that way? The reason for this dichotomy can be that you have not recovered fully and need to build up your strength and stamina. It may be worth asking your GP for a once-over health check, paying attention to your appetite, sleep, energy levels and hormone levels.

Your emotional wellbeing

It could also be that you are putting on a front, trying to fool yourself and others about how you are really coping. What you say and what you truly feel must be congruent, or the result could be additional stress, sleepless nights and high emotion.  There may be no doubt that you want a baby, but being pregnant may be another matter entirely. Do you feel resilient; as if you have been able to pick yourself up, put your disappointment aside and look forward to the future? Or, do you feel fearful or hopeless? Your thoughts will affect your behaviour and very possibly, your outcome.

If you are trying to conceive, while simultaneously thinking that it will never happen, or that it will end disastrously, you are draining your positive energy away from your goal. You are literally telling your body, that it will not function the way it is meant to do and reinforcing that message every time you let your mind obsess in this manner. Ovulation does not occur in a vacuum; it is dependent upon signals from your brain to your ovaries. Additionally, the stress caused by negativity has been known to interrupt reproductive function, which may affect your periods, ovulation, fertilisation and/or implantation of the embryo.

Your negative thoughts, sadness, anger and stress are all understandable responses to either a miscarriage or the disappointment of a failed IVF cycle. How quickly you move through various feelings or thought processes to a state of readiness is unique to your circumstances and how you respond. You may feel conflicting emotions and be confused as to whether you are ready to try to conceive again. If so, a fertility coach can help you isolate your feelings about your miscarriage or IVF experience. This can help you prevent or reverse the spill-over into your abilities, body, medical treatment, relationship and future.

Are you both ready?

It isn’t unusual for two people in a relationship to have different ideas about whether they are ready to try to conceive again. On the one hand, the woman may (erroneously) believe that the previous attempt is her fault and feel the need to make up for it or prove herself. She may be itching to try immediately, in contrast to her partner’s more measured approach. Even if this self-blame is not present, she may feel there isn’t any time to waste. Only she can truly know how strong and physically healthy she feels, so her partner is reliant upon the information she provides.  A partner may be concerned about her health and want to ensure the safety of a subsequent attempt to conceive.  On the other hand, I have had female clients whose partners want to sweep it all under the rug and move forward as if nothing has happened. She may be unready; lacking in self-confidence and feeling unsupported.

Marriages have broken down from the stress of trying to conceive. One party may feel less committed to the idea of having a child than the other, so that when the disappointments, difficulties and costs are tallied up, they decide that they don’t want to put everything into the attempt.  The sacrifices necessary to divert money from other dreams to fertility treatment may be more than one is willing to make. To contemplate trying to conceive only for your partner’s sake, or while you are unsure, will only add to the stresses you will have to endure.

The best advice I can give any couple in this situation is to talk. Be open about how you feel, what the loss meant and how you want to proceed now. If either of you are unable to communicate effectively without someone teasing the words out of you, get someone to act as a facilitator. A good fertility coach will help the two of you say what you really think and feel; not imposing her own ideas or taking sides. Perhaps a joint visit to your GP or gynaecologist will help the two of you find mutual ground.

Just knowing when it’s right

As quickly as it came over, an emotional cloud can lift. A new day, an overheard inspiring word, reassurance from someone you trust or just some release inside of you; any of these can shift how you feel about beginning the process of conception over again.  You may not be able to explain it to someone else, but you just know you are ready.  If trying again feels right and you can maintain that feeling for a few calm days (no roller-coaster emotions and changing of mind), trust your instincts. Only you can know for sure.

Lisa Marsh is the owner of Your Great Life, a fertility coaching and advocacy business in Stanmore, North London. She also writes for her own blog; http://yourgreatlife.typepad.co.uk.   You can follow her on Twitter @yourgreatlife. Contact Lisa for individual or couples fertility coaching, via phone or office visits, or to find out about educational workshops on fertility issues from menstruation to menopause: Tel #011-44 (0)20 8954 2897 or email lisa@yourgreatlife.co.uk

Posted in Fertility & stress, fertility coach, Pregnancy after miscarriage, Twitter, Asking for help, Infertility & Stress, Babyloss, Support for infertility, Fertility Blogger, TTc after miscarriage, Fertility Treatment, IVF, Infertility, Pregnancy, Alternative Therapies & Fertility, Stress, Marriage, Miscarriage, Getting Pregnant, Trying to Conceive | Print | 1 Comment »

20/07/2010 by admin.

I recently visited a very honest & moving blog that is written by one of our readers Beth. The blog is called Non Geordie Mum

The blog is about Beth’s experience of late miscarriage & babyloss. If you have gone through a similar experience, and are now dealing with the aftermath you may find this blog helpful.

Posted in Babyloss, TTc after miscarriage, Miscarriage | Print | 1 Comment »

27/02/2010 by white76.

Posted in Pregnancy after miscarriage, Fertility Blogger, Guest blogger, TTc after miscarriage, Pregnancy, Trying to Conceive | Print | 2 Comments »

01/10/2009 by Free Spirit.

I am delighted to be accepted as a guest blogger on this site and I thought I would start by telling you a little about myself and what’s going on at present.

My name is Sarah and I have been married to my amazing husband for four years now. I turn 30 next week and he is in his late 30’s and we have been trying to conceive for about three years now.

I always thought that I would have fertility issues as I have had irregular periods before and after coming off birth control. When I say irregular, I am talking about only one or two periods a year.

About 2 years ago we decided to get medical help and I was referred to a specialist who prescribed good old Clomid. 50mg did not work but my first dose of 100mg resulted in a pregnancy around new years last year. It sadly ended in a miscarriage at the beginning of February.

I had to wait to be referred back to the hospital and now I am back on Clomid. Suffice to say, the last couple of years have been a bit of emotional roller-coaster and I never know how I am going to feel from one day to another. I am also trying to lose weight at the moment just in case I have to go for IVF. I currently have a BMI of 31 and I need to get it down to 29. I have lost about a stone and a half but I have kind of reached a plateau at the moment and can’t seem to budge my weight.
So where has that left me now?

I have so far had two more cycles on medication. One I ovulated but did not get pregnant, the second one I did not ovulate. The last time I went to see the specialist he prescribed me 100mg Clomifene (the generic form of Clomid) and this is the unsuccessful cycle on the same strength. I know both drugs are the same. However, I am going to ask my doc if he could prescribe the brand Clomid for me as opposed to Clomifene. I am not being too anal about it. It is just that you only get so many shots with Clomid and I do not want to waste them on this generic stuff if it is not going to work!

I have one sneaky lot of actual brand clomid left over from a previous doc’s appointment. So I am giving my body a break for a couple of weeks just to check I haven’t ovulated late. I am going to start Provera on about 9th Oct and Clomid on about 19th Oct and then hopefully ovulate at the end of Oct/Beginning of Nov…. In the mean time, I will go to docs and see if he’ll prescribe Clomid instead of Clomifene.

I also want to align my cycle with the moon cycle. I am at complete opposites at the moment, and would like CD14 to align with a full moon and CD1 to align with the new moon.

Please do not hesitate to ask me anything about anything I have blogged about.. Whether it is irregular periods, provera, clomid, even NHS procedure. I am becoming quite an expert on it (lol.)

I also chart and if you are interested in looking at my latest charts, you can do so at: http://forums.ovusoft.com/chart.asp?id=Freespirit

Posted in Fertility Blogger, Clomiphene, Clomid, TTc after miscarriage, Trying to Conceive | Print | 1 Comment »

28/07/2009 by yourgreatlife.

So, you’re pregnant again after a miscarriage.  You may have let nature take its course, or gone through another cycle of assisted conception.  Either way, you have achieved your goal, and it was supposed to feel like a triumph, worthy of celebration.  But, now that you are there, how do you really feel about it?

 Start at the beginning - Women, who are trying to become pregnant after having experienced one or more miscarriages, often express desperation to become pregnant again and then experience a huge range of emotions about this next pregnancy, including everything from hopeful but mildly worried, to terrified. Because I often work with women who are still feeling the emotional, and even the physical, effects of their loss, we tend to focus on making sense of facts and recognizing feelings: shock, grief, guilt, blame, loss of hope and confidence. I like to go back and work through her expectations around that previous pregnancy. Then, it is easier to understand the reason for, and the depth of, her feelings about her miscarriage and gain some degree of closure. 

 Shattered dreams, plans and self-esteem - For example, especially if it was a woman’s first pregnancy, the pictures in her mind of how that pregnancy would unfold will have shattered.  She may have spent considerable time, even in the short period of a first trimester pregnancy, falling in love with her baby.  If it was an unexpected pregnancy, she may have had to come around to the idea and begun making mental adjustments to the unfamiliar territory of motherhood. Perhaps she focused on romantic daydreams of herself and her partner experiencing a new, intimate connection with each other over her swelling, pregnant belly.  So, on top of her grief over the baby she will never know, she could also be missing the specialness of that imagined, future time in her relationship.  He may or may not be aware of that aspect of her emotional response to the miscarriage. She may also have expected the pregnancy and her child’s birth to transform her in some way: to give her more significance: mother, mother of his baby, mother of someone’s grandchild, part of the “club” of friends who are mothers, or on the same level as her sisters who have children. Not only could miscarriage mean she had failed in her own eyes, she could perceive that she is a failure in the eyes of others, even when it isn’t true.

Walking on Eggshells - What happens to this couple when they are fortunate to conceive again? In my experience, no matter how often a woman reads or hears that many couples go on to have a healthy, full-term baby after experiencing miscarriage, there is a lot of walking on eggshells in a subsequent pregnancy.  If she excitedly discussed her previous pregnancy with family, friends and colleagues, she may not even tell anyone she is pregnant again. To some extent, it is impossible to suspend fear entirely because we have the negative memories of having placed our trust in God, medicine or both and it resulting in enormous pain.  In the new pregnancy, that trust is somewhat reduced in all except those who have absolute, blind faith that a Higher Power will deliver what is meant to be. The need to exert control over something that is largely out of our control is all so understandable, and at the same time, such a shame because it means that she will experience less unreserved joy.

Achieving a Deeper Level of Understanding - In trying to support a woman through this next pregnancy, I believe that the best route is to go back to the basics: her identity, her values, what she wants out of life, her level of satisfaction with all aspects of herself and her lifestyle, sorting out her wants from her needs, and measuring her competing interests. To each of these areas, I would ask her to reflect upon how any of them was changed by her experience of miscarriage and finally, to anticipate how they will be changed by having the child she now carries.  The progression of the coaching process will reveal, layer by layer, how deeply she believes in herself, where her strength lies and how she will use it, no matter what lies ahead.  Those are the qualities that will make her a good mother and provide them both with a great life. 

Self-Coaching - If you want to do this for yourself, I suggest that you buy a journal with lined paper and set it up for a self-coaching process by putting each of the categories (previous pregnancy, miscarriage, subsequent pregnancy) above at the top of separate pages, with several pages in between each, headed by the sub-categories (ex. Who am I? My values, my aspirations, what I need to be happy, my satisfaction level at the particular time, my strengths, my frustrations, my expectations, how any of this has changed, etc…) Then, write on them at your own pace; whenever a flash of insight occurs, or in purposeful sessions. Don’t worry about your language or whether you are “making sense.” This is just for you. It is not about gaining an explanation for your miscarriage; it is about understanding yourself and what you want, accepting that there are no guarantees in life and opening the door to what is to come.

Supporting Her – This way of going back to the beginning, before the trauma of the loss, can, work for those closest to her as well; encouraging her to talk about her first pregnancy, this one and what makes her to want to become a mother. It is important to pay attention to her signals of being willing, ready and able to talk.  However, you can communicate a state of openness, verbally or through body language.  Looking directly into her eyes will show emotional availability and not expressing any criticism about how she is acting will go a long way toward building trust. Please, don’t ever try to stifle her by saying “Forget about it. Surely it won’t happen again.” You can’t give her any guarantees and may provoke resentment, anger or being misunderstood. She is not looking for you to solve her problems; she may just need you to listen and give sincere comfort.Instead of shutting off those dreams and memories that existed in her with the previous pregnancy, I would encourage them to flow. They are the reason that she is risking her body, heart and mind again.  By remembering and talking about her positive reasons for conceiving and carrying the first baby, she can reach a level of acceptance and underlying strength to move forward into the new pregnancy with renewed courage.  She deserves to embrace and enjoy carrying this child who is, at no other time, more a part of her than right now.

Lisa Marsh is a fertility coach, supporting those who are trying to conceive, experiencing loss, secondary infertility, assisted conception, alternative parenting and loss of fertility through illness, medical treatment and menopause. You can find out more about Lisa’s work by visiting her blog: http://yourgreatlife.typepad.com or contact her directly at lisa@yourgreatlife.co.uk .

Posted in Self Coaching, fertility coach, Pregnancy after miscarriage, TTc after miscarriage, Miscarriage | Print | 1 Comment »

10/03/2009 by admin.

A friend of mine has just had a miscarriage of a much wanted pregnancy and it set me to thinking about miscarriage, and how long we need to wait before trying again.

 Miscarriage is more common than many people think. When you start to talk to friends you find out that many of them have had this sad experience.

My personal feelings are that I would need to grieve the loss of the baby & give my body  time to get back to its normal pre pregnant state, so I have always felt it is best to wait at least 3 months before trying to conceive again. However for many the urge to try again is very strong, and they start trying alsmost immediately after.

 I will research this and find out what the common consensus of opinion is, and let you know

Posted in TTc after miscarriage, Miscarriage | Print | 1 Comment »