Going in Circles With Infertility and Stress - Part One

16/09/2009 by yourgreatlife.

Moderate stress is part of the human condition, however, one serious stressor such as infertility, can truly disrupt our lives and make the difference between a good year (substitute “decade,” if applicable) and a bad one.  The irony is that stress is often cited as a serious factor in infertility.  It’s the old chicken and egg question…which of these came first. You may never answer that question, because you could initially have felt stressed by such common factors as the rigors of your job, difficulties in your relationship, financial insecurity, moving house or simply that you are a worrier.  Whichever it is, if you are struggling with uncertainty about whether you will ever have a child and want to give yourself every chance of success you must look at the symptoms of your stress and find ways to lessen them.  

Loss of identity - With infertility, women are confronted with two serious blows to their identity. The first is the endangerment to their life plan, including hopes and expectations of having a child or children of their own. The second blow is to their image as a woman, which includes the perception that their body is letting them down by not functioning as it should. This in turn affects their sense of femininity and sense of purpose.  Who am I, if not a mother?  Who am I, if my body won’t do what it is supposed to do?   

Lack of control – Infertility propels women into a world of blood tests, unfamiliar medical jargon, drug therapy and/or surgery.  Not only can they be devastated by their diagnosis, but also by their measurement against a Rate of Success chart.  You are no longer you; now, you are geriatric (40 & over?), obese, poly-cystic, have unhealthy eggs, anti-cardio whatever and/or “unexplained” infertility. While weight, nutrition and bad habits can be improved, we can’t turn back the hands of time or produce another supply of eggs. To any woman who has even the slightest tendency toward perfectionism, this categorization, entry into the mind-boggling medical system and the inability to control her own reproductive function can be dehumanizing.  Even the strongest woman can find herself feeling helpless, isolated and dependent, all of which are incredibly stressful.  

Where stress shows up – Stress, from any source, is cumulative and can affect other psychological and/or physiological areas of your system.  Just as stress from your job can turn around and bite you from behind, lessening your efficiency at the workplace, stress from infertility can affect your reproductive health.  Common areas that show symptoms of serious stress are: 

• Appetite and weight – either losing or gaining them substantially
• Sleep – not having enough of it
• Concentration and organization – the loss of which can affect productivity and safety
• Emotional stability (neediness, wide-ranging emotions, desire to isolate yourself, jealousy, self-esteem, guilt, anger, etc…)
• Headaches
• Digestive system
• Blood pressure
• Menstrual cycle – you must ovulate properly and on schedule to achieve best chance of conceiving
• Personality – a rollercoaster of emotions; acting out
• Relationships – arguing, feeling unsupported, worrying about the future together
• Reliance upon unhealthy habits to calm you – smoking, drinking alcohol, etc…
• Temperament – whether low, disinterested and negative or self-centred, volatile, even bitchy 

Both the stress and its symptoms are real and can cause temporary or long-lasting damage, so don’t brush them off.  If you can identify with any of the symptoms above, it’s time to find your way out of this maze. 

Acknowledging Stress – Since your ultimate goal is to become pregnant, your primary, short term goal must be to acknowledge and then lower your level of stress.  Look at how you are performing in your job, your relationship and friendships. Have you been in denial about how well you are coping with the strain of infertility? Perhaps you can remember uncharacteristic emotional outbursts, sudden tearfulness, and snappish responses. A little of this is normal and quite understandable, until it begins to impact upon the very things you need to safeguard: your health and your support network.  If you notice that people are walking on eggshells around you, it’s a pretty good clue that you are not coping well with stress. Be careful. Patience may run out if you start to indulge in primadonna behaviour, expecting special treatment all the time.  You need all the support you can get, so don’t alienate those who are standing by to offer it. 

There are several things you can do to help yourself if you are suffering from stress due to infertility.  How do you know for sure if this pertains to you? Self-awareness is essential, but if you are not particularly good at it, ask someone you like and trust to be honest with you.  

1. Begin a gratitude journal. A truly miserable person will find this difficult at first, however, even if (or especially if) you fit that description; the focus on the positives will also have a cumulative effect. Record the simplest or mundane events in your day if you must, such as “the sun is shining, my bus was on time and I haven’t gotten my period yet.”  Eventually, you may find gratitude for enough things in your life and even those connected to your infertility, like “met a new friend in the doctor’s waiting room.”
2. Try acupuncture, making sure to find a practitioner who has knowledge of your condition.
3. If you are in fertility treatment, schedule the scans and blood tests for early morning to get them out of the way, leaving you with the rest of the day to live your regular routine.
4. Talk about it. See a fertility coach or counsellor with whom you can release your pent-up stress.  Their objectivity, confidentiality and support make sessions a safe place to talk about your thoughts and feelings and work out your options. It gives your partner and friends a break too.

In Part Two, I show you how a visualization exercise I call a time-out can be a quick, easy and independent way to lower your stress level.

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Contact information is 020 8954 2897.

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